bearbones ☾

“ BETTER LIVING . BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE -  ”

rowan closed his eyes tightly as the radio continued to play, grimacing subtly with distaste. everyone was pushing for this new company’s promise; they promised a new horizon for humanity; they promised happiness… at times, rowan couldn’t help but wonder what for. what was in it for them, yeah? he tapped his foot against the dining room linoleum, gaze only lifting up at the gentle clink of a plate being set down in front of him. “you’re making that face, again.” careful eyes turned up to stare at ashton. the eldest pursed his lips tightly together, lost for words as he found his seat. the youngest brother picked up his fork, starting to pick at his food. he couldn’t bring himself to eat with the sick taste that plagued his mouth.

“you know…” rowan’s fork stilled. he always dreaded the moments his brother tried to talk to him about this. this company was still so new, yet it felt like his brother had argued about this very same thing for ages already. “like i said, what they’re trying to do is good. they’re going to change everything for us. i don’t understand why you-”
“because you don’t know that. ash, you can’t say that they-”
“imagine how we’d be now if this had happened earlier. if they had come back when mom and dad were still around.” ash huffed in stunned awe, gesturing around the empty room absently. “imagine how different life would’ve been for us, rowan. imagine!”

his throat felt tight. leaning forward, he acted preoccupied with his food. the brothers never talked about their parents, anymore. it was a taboo, a subject the brothers both silently agreed to never talk about. a cut that still bled. it felt painful that ashton was bringing them up as some sort of leverage to his point. swallowing hard, then clearing his throat, he shifted in his seat before quietly uttering, “nothing they can do can bring mom and dad back.”
 “but-” his brother had rowan right where he wanted him. he leaned forward with interest, pointing a finger at rowan. the wonder in his eyes at this new prospect left an upset in his stomach. ”they can help us not hurt anymore.” he paused, let the words settle in. “after all we’ve been through… we’re not happy anymore, rowan. either of us. and it’s- it’s been so long since we’ve been happy. i... can’t even remember what it feels like to-” he paused, searching for words. with another awed huff, he shrugged, “to live without a care in the world. do you, rowan?”

silence. rowan’s head was spinning. on one hand, nothing about it sat completely right with him. something inside him pleaded with him that bliss wasn’t the best answer. on the other hand - slowly, he shook his head in response to ashton’s question. on the other side, his brother was right. his brother laughed jubilantly, impressed with himself he was sure. “it’s right there on the pill! bliss. don’t you want that? don’t you want that for us?” sliding his arm across the table, ash held out his hand. rowan met ash’s sincere gaze as earnest lips softly asked, voice just barely louder than a whisper;

“don’t you want to be happy?”

his gaze wandered to his brother’s outreached hand. sitting in aching silence, nothing but the radio softly playing in the background yet another better living jingle. don’t you want to be happy? the voice echoed woefully in his head. slowly lifting his hand, he reached out towards his brothers hand as if to take, trembling fingers outstretched --

he slammed his hand down on the table. pushing himself up swiftly, he sniffled quietly to himself as he hurriedly uttered, “i have to go.” pushing his untouched food towards ash, he uttered, ”thanks for breakfast.” as he turned to leave, his brother called desperately after him. fearful. fearful that his brother would make the wrong choice. fearful that rowan would choose the road of rebellion rather than the road of better living. conflicting feelings sat tight in his throat as he walked, unsure of where he was going and what he would do once he got there.

it felt like a blur and an invisible downward spiral once he found himself in benedict’s presence, unsure of what brought him to carry his feet all the way there in the first place. he looked composed yet shaken, gnawing on his thumb nail being his only visible sign of the complete turmoil he felt inside.

“i should just do it, you know,” he blurted, anxious conviction making his lips gently tremble. eyes were like saucers as they wandered helplessly towards benedict’s icy blues. he looked at him as if a part of him was begging ben to change his mind.

“i should just take bliss.”

---

rowan sat alone at an empty table, chewing silently on the last bit of his breakfast. most days he was reminded of just how empty the mornings were without his brother around anymore. nothing ever tasted the same as ashton’s cooking. nothing tasted as sweet as the man’s strawberries and pancakes. he lips downturned, brows furrowing as he pushed the finished plate further away from himself. nothing tasted as bitter as the reminder that he would never cross his brother’s mind in the same way. he most likely never crossed ashton’s mind at all. it was a harsh pill to swallow, but it was an easier pill to swallow than taking bliss itself. he was surrounded with like-minded individuals, with revolutionaries and rebels all alike. this was where he was meant to be.

he felt ashamed that at one point he had thought any different.

pushing himself up from the table, he headed out the door and towards the passionate chants echoing down the worn-down city. he stood among them as the crowd waited in excited anticipation - and then, as benedict appeared, voices were booming so loud that row wondered why the fragile walls of the city hadn’t collapsed by now with each growing number. the crowd continued to chant and yell passionately as benedict climbed the crates; rowan never had the fervor to yell like the others, instead uttering along with the rest of them.

he was one of the long-time rebels, here since the very beginning of this revolution alongside benedict. although he wasn’t the loudest, the most brazen, he still stood as unwavering as he always did. nobody dared question his loyalty to the cause; he had given up everything he had in favor of it. everyone had.

the crowd started to settle down, the energy still buzzing as their revolutionary took his place. benedict surveyed the people. his icy blues looked throughout the crowd with passion so hot it could melt glaciers. there was a reason he was unanimously known as the voice of the people. each word spoken brought on another wave of uproarious cheers. there wasn’t a single other people that managed to loom quite as large as he did. people hollered and shouted feverishly, hanging on to each word.  there wasn’t anyone else that could command a room quite like he did. their eyes met briefly, for perhaps even a moment too long. one side of rowan’s lips threatened to twitch upwards.

the revolution was so close, he could just about taste it. he applauded with the rest of them as benedict jumped off the stack of crates, observing as everyone rushed to greet the man as he passed by. he watched with absent, observant eyes until benedict stood in front of him, addressing him this time. “are you ready for this afternoon?”

eyes gazed into benedict’s before he started to nod, agreeing with a certain, ”of course. everything is falling right into place, yeah?” this plan seemed to be so perfectly hatched that it was almost too good to be true in some ways. rowan’s fingertips tingled with anticipation at the thought of it alone.

ben’s hand on his shoulder, he took the moment to step aside from the rest of the crowd, opting to walk along with ben instead. as often as ben asked a favor of him, rowan often found himself feeling great pride in such an act others would often think nothing of. perhaps that was because others weren’t nearly as aware of benedict’s shattered trust; they weren’t aware to be as grateful as they should be. the fact that benedict trusted in rowan oftentimes left a soft spot inside of him feeling weak. his heart trembled in grateful anticipation most every time. “what do you need?”

rowan tried not to disappoint.