Author Topic: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0  (Read 3745 times)

Offline crows

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2018, 12:39:45 PM »
this is so beautiful ur writing always makes me feel so fuzzy inside
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Offline paddy

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2018, 12:59:52 PM »
this is so beautiful ur writing always makes me feel so fuzzy inside
We wuv u sully
sometimes i feel cold, even paralyzed
my interior world needs to sanitize

Offline leg

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2018, 04:08:48 PM »
this is so beautiful ur writing always makes me feel so fuzzy inside
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Offline SULTAN

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2018, 10:58:12 PM »
u guys make my heart burst ,,,
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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2018, 06:55:03 PM »




otis ghibli!au

    "into the forest i go, to lose my mind and find my soul" - j muir

young ujin is the youngest of a farmer's three sons and lives in a hut in the middle of nowhere. life can get a little lonely, especially when he's left at home for days, sometimes weeks. but when his efforts to aid a wounded creature in the forest lead him to the mythical land of elora, he realizes that his life will change forever.   
« Last Edit: May 07, 2019, 07:32:35 PM by SULTAN »
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Offline crows

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #20 on: July 21, 2018, 04:13:07 PM »
!!!!!!!
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Offline SULTAN

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2019, 05:27:23 PM »
the way i just wrote 2k words of wlw heartbreak....it's shit right now but im proud of myself for writing so much it's been a while

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Offline SULTAN

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PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #22 on: July 06, 2019, 10:48:00 PM »
i glow pink in the night —
word count: 2449
tw: swearing, displays of depression and anxiety

the pristine white coat looked strange when draped over my tall rocking chair. the old thing was cumbersome and a bit ugly with the pee colored paint and green stripes chipping off, but it was one of the many useless things i brought to my dorm my freshman year of college and never got around to discarding. ever since then, i grew attached to it and it remained with me wherever i ended up, even all the way here in my apartment for my second year of med school.

i imagined her sitting in it and giving me a wide grin. what a nice chair..very creaky though. but very vintage, and.. she got up and did that director gesture where you made a rectangle with your hands. very classy. she laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. that's when i knew she was being sarcastic, but i didn't mind. i laughed with her then and i laugh at the memory now. she slowly disappeared, and all that was left was the painful hole she continues to leave with her absence.

she always sat in that chair when she came over. if it was to study, chat, cook - she always made sure to sit in it, even if it was just for a second. the only day she didn't was when she-

i swallowed. that's how i knew that that day wasn't real.

but it never made sense. i felt it. like that time at the party two months ago. i never went to parties, even in my free time. but she insisted, and i guessed there was a first for everything. i remember her squeezing up next to me and stealing glances at the guy across the room.
so? i said, nodding towards him.
god, he thinks he's such hot shit.
i looked at him a little closer. he did seem the type.
he does look good, though.
yeah.. he caught our eyes and she turned away.
you interested? i couldn't help myself.
what? no! she gawked. he was just..there. she then shrugged and rolled her eyes as if she was making perfect sense.
it was one of the many times i felt something flicker in my chest. i only hoped that she had, too.

i guess i was wrong. but again, how dare she seethe when she saw another man approach me at the bar or lean into the wall next to me at that same party? how dare she snap at a guy who was my lab partner, for fuck's sake-

how dare she take my hand and call me hers.

i didn't realize i was crying until i caught a glimpse of myself in my bedside mirror. even that was a gift from her. i hated looking at myself in the mornings, but she gave it to me because she thought i needed it. it was for my own good, she said. it hurt me at the time, but i knew she meant well. now it hurt again, but not for the same reasons.

my phone buzzed and i jumped. i looked at the caller id. it was my lab partner, the same one, in fact.

"hello?" i tried not to let exhaustion lace my tone, but he picked it up.
"you sound like shit."
"thanks. what do you want, johnny?"
"to hear your voice, for a minute or two."
i groaned. i knew it was all harmless with him, but never not annoying. "it's 2 am. i should really be going to bed."
"that's what you always say! you should be going to bed, but you never do! but actually, you really should be, you know.."
"and?"
"and..i'm the one with the graveyard shift here."
"and you have time to talk to me?"
"yeah, whatever. i wanted to talk about the thing that's due. you finished your part, right?"
i already told him i did earlier that morning. he didn't forget things easily, so i knew he had ulterior motives. my silence forced him to sigh into the receiver.
"fine, you got me. i really did want to hear your voice. but i was also half-hoping you wouldn't pick up, either."
"why?"
"i hoped you were asleep."
if this exchange was occurring at any other time, i would have felt something like affection bubble up in my chest. but now, even my heartbeat just felt like a numb, unnecessary thump, thump, thump... so i didn't answer.
"but if you wanted to know the answer to the first one, well, i was worried. you really don't look yourself these days. i know you've been struggling for a while, but it looks..worse. i can't even remember the last time you've smiled at me. or at anyone."
i wanted to spit back something snarky, that it was just the lack of sleep or the exam load and that he should mind his business, but i didn't have the energy. and the fact that he called me in the middle of his shift just to tell me this..i wasn't heartless. i appreciated it.
"i know."
silence on both ends for a while.
"is it about her?"
i froze, feeling something other than sadness overpower me for the first time in a while. 
"no..what?"
"we're talking about this tomorrow morning."
"it's not!" i tried to defend myself, but at this point i knew it was futile. i just wondered how long he knew. was it that obvious?
"listen, you're my friend, okay? a really good one. i just want you to know and understand that i care."
i nodded though he couldn't see it.
"okay. now imagine mr. london talking about his hometown and 'all that good ol' bacon'..it'll have you snoring in seconds."
i couldn't help but laugh. "i will. thanks."
johnny seemed proud of himself. "goodnight. i'll get back to work now."
"alright."
"bye."
"bye."

i was left smiling until another voice whispered in my ear. "byeee...." i jumped and whipped around, feeling goosebumps crawl over my skin. i was still under her spell, whether i liked it or not. so i let myself fall, just for a bit.

but that's what you call everyone! i laughed.
oh..but it can be just for you from now on. or, if you want, she trailed a finger along my jawline. i can call you something better.

i got up and kicked down the chair i was sitting in. i threw whatever was on my desk to the ground (there wasn't much - just a notebook, a pen, and a few flashcards), and then fell to my knees, sobs ripping through me. i could feel her hands, her coos, her smiles against my skin..as long as i was here, she was too. i needed to leave.
 
as i stormed out of my apartment, i told myself that if i was to continue my life i would live it for myself. i told myself that i would never end up relying on someone so much that it was hard to breathe without them. i told myself that i wouldn't lose my identity to another and forget who i was. that above all else, i was my own person. but i said these things before i ended up in all this mess, and everything i warned myself about happened and now i didn't know what to do.

i used to want to look at things and be reminded of a time where i didn't have to think about smiling or have to search for the beauty in the life around me. i hated it back then, but somehow, this feels worse. i wanted to go back to my normal bad, where things seemed a little bit easier. i stopped and squeezed my eyes shut. what a horrible horrible life i was given.

i can think of nothing but her. i just want something else, but everything keeps coming, coming, all at once, and i keep letting it.

i remember spotting her a few days after the day while i was in the stands at one of the local football games. she told me she would go with me since i said i never went before. she was down there helping with everything. she touched a big guy's shoulder (how did she even know him?) and giggled. i thought of the words she said to me again. i looked at her smile and catch my gaze and saw that smile drop. then she looked away as if i wasn't there at all. it's been a few months and i haven't had an interaction with her since.

why did she want to do everything with me? i was like her pet dog that she kept dragging around for show, except for the fact i had nothing special to offer.

my feet took me to the ocean. i stood there and felt stupid and i didn't know what to do with my hands or legs but i had to do something so i just sat down and watched the waves. it was getting dark and i knew this was a bad idea to begin with but i couldn't do anything about it now.

i was too much in my head, i realized. i floated back down to earth and let myself succumb to the sounds of the waves. once the sun started to set it didn't dawdle around, so i wanted this scene to soak in as much as it could.

i wanted to cry more but couldn't. i was looking at a infinite expanse of nothing. i imagined my salty tears were what formed the ocean. it was telling me, showing me that it was too much, that i needed to calm down. to take some steps back when i was trying to force my way forward.

i didn't realize there was someone else on that beach until they were standing over me. i didn't know if this was a dream or not and i didn't care. she was all i saw and heard and thought about, anyway. i wanted to be angry at myself but i was too tired.

"you're here, jyoti?" a name that wasn't mine but that she relentlessly addressed me by. something special belonging to just us. how dare she, i thought as i did earlier.

"i thought you were working."

i smiled despite myself. i managed to switch up the day so our schedules would clash.

"i'm on thursdays now." i didn't know why i told her. i felt like a mere shell, a case. my actual self was in another place entirely, perhaps wandering somewhere above the clouds. we then sat in silence, but not the kind i shared with johnny half an hour ago. this was worse. much worse.

"do you still think about me?"

oh, god.

"because i do, all the ti-"
"then you can stop." i frowned, almost confused at my own response. this was all i wanted, for the past few months, every waking moment of my life, it seemed. i just wanted her to say that she was wrong and that she made a mistake and she spent every day pining over me and that she loved me beyond anything she could ever imagine. that was all i ever wanted.
"jyoti, i love you."
"stop!" i screamed and slapped my hands over my ears. all i ever wanted. all i ever wanted was her. she tried to grab my arms but i pushed her backwards, toward the sea and my tears.
"you can't do this. you can't do this after you've left me to rot for these six months."
"i know that, and i'm sorr-"
"no, you're not. i don't know what's gotten into you, you saying this now, that you, that you.." i couldn't even say it.
"because it's true! i haven't meant anything more in my entire life!"
"no, no..you love me," my tongue was drying up. tears were not falling. "but it can't be more than i have loved you."

the worst thing was that she didn't argue, didn't say i was wrong, that i was just out of my senses like i always was. she didn't do what she always did. she just stood there, shoulders drooping, head hanging.

"i sacrificed everything for you. and on that day, you just..left me? and you didn't tell me why..you just left me there, and i asked myself for six months what i did wrong and what i could do to just have you look at me again." i wanted to grab her, push her, but i couldn't. never. so i just kept my clenched fists to my sides like a five year old throwing a tantrum. "and now you come here and spew some bullshit like.." i scoffed, turning away and turning back again. i couldn't believe these were my own words, but something in my stomach was brewing, boiling, egging me on.

"i was scared. i know it's nothing to you now, but i've never felt anything for anyone like i have for you." she tried to reach for my face then but i backed away. this wasn't real. i was in my thoughts, floating away, away, away from earth, like always. "i didn't know what to do. i shouldn't have ignored you like that."
"but you did."
"i know. and i'll never forgive myself for it." she was crying now. she touched my face and i let her because for a second it looked like she meant it. "please come back to me, jyoti."

i threw her hand away then and she looked at it as if she was scalded.

"why don't you ever call me by my real name?! i'm always jyoti, jyoti, jyoti..she's not the one you know, who's enrolled here, i am! but she's the one you love, right? jyoti, a little doll tailored just for you?!" there it was.
"no, what?! that was just something i called you, something just for m-" she paused with the rest of her words hanging in midair. she knew it too. she was chasing after something imaginary to fulfill her fantasies, and when the real thing didn't own up to her expectations, she left it alone.
"so?"
"this is just a misunderstanding. i haven't done what you think i did. you know i'm not like that," she started bawling because she knew she was lying again. she knew she did what i thought she did. she knew she was like that. she was just trying to get me back and i had never felt so satisfied in my life.

"bye." her name was vanishing, too. "see you around." i still wasn't crying but the sea had receded.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2020, 12:44:25 PM by SULTAN »
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Offline crows

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2019, 10:34:16 PM »
review: deserves to become some kind of cinematic album. makes my heart hurt in ways that don't exist in places, fills me with memories i never had
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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #24 on: July 15, 2019, 11:42:47 AM »
this is really the best compliment i could ever receive..i didn't think that my writing could have such an effect on anyone. thank you so much lyd i love you i love you i love you
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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #25 on: July 16, 2019, 02:46:45 AM »
i love u sm this is Art and your writing is so powerful and cinematic please never forget that
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Offline SULTAN

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PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #26 on: November 03, 2019, 03:39:44 PM »
by the next day i've been reborn —
word count: 1003
tw: swearing, mentions of depression, anxiety, blood

a/n: i started writing this after seeing this on tumblr - "you know what trope pisses me off the most? when the protag is pointing a gun at somebody and they're like you wont do it. youre too good. and the person holding the gun is like oh shit i am and they slowly lower the gun while the other person laughs. WHAT THE FUCK. if i were there, and somebody told me you wont do it i would immediately shoot them dead without hesitating. who are you to tell me what i wont do. musty bitch"
i tried changing up my style and it doesnt sound half as good as good as it did in my head but anyway.


i'll kill you! i'll kill you! i was screaming at the top of my lungs. i'll fucking kill you and make sure your body's fed to your aunt's rabid-

a gag in my mouth. hands on my wrists waist shoulders pulling me backward. the man in front of me was looking me dead in the eyes and crying. i think he was meaning to be laughing. the eyebrows were raised the eyes were wild and the smile was more like a grimace than anything. but still, he said:

well, you'd have to wait a bit, honey.


it didn't sound half as good as he thought.

i kicked the man behind me hard enough so that he'd loosen his grip. it only worked for so long but before that i tried to reach for his neck and strangle him and i could see fear flash in his eyes.

then they took me back again and tied me up and pressed a gun to my temple.

make sure she doesn't try again.


i woke up. what a trip.

---

three days is the limit for me, i think. for three days i can think of and stare at my face without recoiling, for three days i can have conversations and feel alright about having them - for three days i can be someone new.

but then i will inevitably fall back again and daydream about terrible terrible things and make stupid stupid stupid decisions.

it was my first time in a club and i hated it there were girls everywhere like surround sound and i was frozen to the spot. i backed up and managed to take a seat and squeeze my eyes shut. i could still hear the sounds but they were from farther away.. not muffled, more like an echo.

hey baby, are you okay?

i opened my eyes and this girl was reaching toward me and cradling my face. i don't know if she was drunk, or what, but she looked so concerned i could cry. i nodded and could feel tears streaming down my face.

oh no..don't!

she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and i couldn't take it.

---

reet! you're here! my friend mili grinned and waved ecstatically.
hey. i gave them somewhat of a shrug in greeting. i wouldn't have been here at all if it weren't for her wanting to tell me something today, so i sat next to her and smiled.

the other two were talking.
hey, take a look at this. she showed her something on her phone.
oh my god i love it..
yeah? let's fuck.
totally.


mili was insecure and it was irritating because she brought something up every single time. she said that her nose was too small and her eyes were too close together and that her face looked lopsided when you saw the real side not the selfie side but i couldn't notice anything even when she pointed all of it out to me. she was one of the prettiest girls i'd ever seen.

theres this dude who sits next to me in class. total jock. but his smile is so cute but again he's annoying as fuck and..reet, i haven't even liked someone like this before. it's so gross.
so gross.
reet!
i'm kidding. tell me more.
ugh. i don't really want to, it's just...ugh. i think he likes me but im not sure.


i lean back into the booth, suddenly very aware of my back pressing against the seat. i didn't want to have a body. i wanted to grind my foot into a man's chest until it sputtered out its last breath.

but when i tried to think of wringing my own neck i couldn't do it. it was weird.

and then i felt sad. i really used to smile more.

are you listening? she asked.
mhmm.
so what do you think?
i mean, so what if he does? what would he do?
ugh. can we talk about something else?


i rolled my eyes and laughed.

---

i'm standing alone on the sidewalk and it's pouring. i have my old trench on and i don't look good but i feel okay. i start walking instead of going back inside. i'm in the park and roll up my sleeves and stretch my arms out.

i'll get rid of him him tomorrow, i think.

i pull my sleeves back down and stuff my hands in my pockets. i look behind me and to the side and the sky as if i'm in a movie and a camera can catch my somber, beautiful eyes. i look to the ground and stomp in a growing puddle. my pants are ruined and i don't care and it's usually a terrible feeling but i really didn't mind at all.

i'll get rid of him him tomorrow. i relaxed my shoulders. i'll shoot him dead and no one would know. and even if someone found out, i thought, i wouldn't give a single shit. if i had to spend the rest of my life rotting in jail, i would bear it. i would bear it all.

---

you won't do it.

maybe i wouldn't.

i got closer so he could feel my breath.

then i put that gun right between his eyes and pulled the trigger. the blood splattered onto my face and i had to blink it out of my eyes but it was all ok.

i was resolute in my decision but i really did think there would be some kind of aftershock. maybe i wouldn't have done it after all. but i had to, after coming this far. no. i didn't have to. i wanted to. it was just for me! right? right
---

there's no one at the subway. it's just me and i'm not moving and the train isn't coming so everything feels suspended in time.
i crossed the yellow line and dangled my foot into the space between. i could lay on the tracks i thought.

no one would know.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2020, 01:09:32 AM by SULTAN »
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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #27 on: November 04, 2019, 10:47:00 PM »
Conclusion: art. anger crimes of passion right up my alley and yes I have felt the rage and you’re brave enough to say it thank you
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Offline SULTAN

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Re: PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2019, 03:14:50 PM »
im in love with u
« Last Edit: April 25, 2020, 10:52:27 AM by SULTAN »
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Offline SULTAN

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PETRICHOR — cafe 2.0
« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2020, 07:24:53 PM »
you keep a piece of me —
word count: 1365
tw: swearing, violence, mentions of depression, anxiety, suicide

a/n: this has been collecting dust in my drafts for a while it doesnt have a proper beginning or end and i really just pieced together stuff i wrote at completely different times lol. i don't know who dave is either.

i could keep hearing her saying 'look at me. look at me!' i tried to mask the noise by doing anything - getting my empty cigarette pack out, crumpling up the box, dragging my shoes across the cement, trying to rock in this chair that was attached to the ground, but it wasn't working. i wanted to scream but there were people around. but i could.. i doubt they'd notice.

i took out my matches. i first tried to smoke not too long ago. it was terrible at first, but it got better after a while. i went through a pack a day for a couple of weeks until someone saw me and told me i was off the hook. i listened. but now i had to do something and i didn't have any cigarettes.

look at me!

SHUT UP!

like i thought, no one noticed. except for the person next to me, whom i wasn't aware of.

you good?
do you have a cigarette?

they surveyed me for a couple of seconds before pulling a pack out of their packet. they offered me one but pulled back when i reached for it. i gawked at them, betrayed.

are you okay?

of course not. what?

yeah. can i have the cigarette?

they didn't give it to me immediately, so i grabbed it out of their hand and walked away.

wait!

i didn't until they grabbed my wrist.

what are you doing?!
don't you recognize me?
....no.
it's dave!

dave? dave from the party last week or from the coffee shop the week before?

dave from the party today! i was like - the first person you met! he looked disappointed. how did he read my mind?

you're literally talking out loud.
sorry. i..sorry. thanks for the cigarette. i tried to walk away again but his grip on my wrist was steadfast. can you please let me go?
where are you going?
home.
i know you're not.
yes i am! what are you talking about?! my patience was running thin. if only my nails were long enough to dig into his skin. i cut them yesterday.
give me back the cigarette. we need to talk.
no we don't!
if you're going home, i'm walking you there.
dave-
listen-

i kicked his nuts and wriggled my hand out of his grasp.

god, i don't fucking know you! again, the look of heartbreak. or physical pain. a mix of both? i'm sorry. i felt like i had to. i wasn't sure what i was on. it was hardly his fault, i guessed. maybe some other time.

---

i was passed out face flat on my mattress with my hands hanging off the sides.

you've been drinking all night. it's hopeless. you're barely twenty-one. you have potential that you know you can't do anything with. you're slipping away.

i rubbed my eyes. what?

you can work hard for a bit and once you get a job you can just die. you can't keep doing this. i can't see myself grow old. i will die before then. i'm not even suicidal i don't think..! i just have no interest in living. maybe thats the same thing. i'm only biding my time. i'm only waiting to die.

--

i have an apartment, which is nice. sometimes i spend days in it at a time just watching tv, or cooking. i don't feel sorry for myself anymore but i do wish i had done something earlier. it does get tiring after a while, all this jumping around.

i looked at her instagram. the last post was her pinching my cheeks and the caption said 'happy birthday meri rani'

a friend's last post was a video of her singing without knowing she was being recorded. there was a very very long caption attached.

'i wish i could have loved you more please forgive me i love you so much i am so sorry i am so so so sorry i am making your favorite food today and im giving it to everyone except you i wish you were here i wish you were here so bad please forgive me ill kill whoever did this to you i swear i swear'

and more.

i fell back against my pillow and squeezed my eyes shut. i felt her hand snake over my waist.

'i don't know what i'd do without you.'

she ran her hand through my hair and twisted some of it around her finger. your hair...so soft. but my hand...so greasy.

it's then when i groaned and she started cackling.

it feels so pathetic when you have no one. i wish someone was here, anyone..even dave from the party would do.

---

"why do you destroy yourself like this?" he asked me.

it's because i enjoy the attention. i enjoy looking like this knowing people are watching with lust dripping from their eyes. it's better when they ask for me after everything's over and someone having to tell them that i've already left. sometimes they don't buy it and i have to take care of it myself. but i love it. i love all of it.

but that's not what i told him. 

"i'm just biding my time, really, until something happens."

he nodded and smiled and that was when i gave in.

there was that way his eyes twinkled that made me think he understood. he reached for my hand and i took it. i knew then the mind was separate from the body. when he looked into my eyes, i just couldn't help it.

"let's have a good time before then, hm?"

god, he wasn't shit. i gave him a coy smile and pretended to turn away to leave, but he grabbed my wrist and tugged me back.

"hey, don't go."


fuck. "okay."

--

you're just a slut! that's all you are.

i hadn't been feeling anything for a while but at that point i grabbed something next to me and started screaming and beating him up with it mercilessly.

i'm going to kill you. he said while managing taking a hold of my collar and bringing his face obnoxiously close to mine. i don't ever want to see you in here again, okay?

a part of me was nodding. yes sir. i'll never come in here again. but instead, what came out was 'i'll do what i want, dave!'

the next thing i knew i was somewhere. i didn't actually get to leave.

i have to get out i have to get out i have to get out i have to get out i have to leave please let me go where is my older brother when i need him he would protect me but no one's here. where is she? where is dave? why does everyone leave?

i'm sitting in this white room completely still and alone. i tried to leave but someone caught me. i can hear the low lull of something and it's been going on for so long it seemed like i've been hearing it my entire life why did they get me? what did i do. i was screaming for a bit i think thats all i did but i don't know really.

i got up and knocked on the door and then started banging as hard as i could. PLEASE let me go what did i do to you in particular i was just getting the people i needed to please letmego

i took my chair and swung it at the door. nothing was working on that metal piece of sheeeet they locked me in here without my consent as if i was a psycho? i'm not crazy lock up real criminals not people with traffic tickets

bang bang bang bang it was either my fist or the chair until i would collapse from exhaustion.

dave please let me go.

do you want a cigarette?

no.

can i walk you home?

no. please just let me go
« Last Edit: April 21, 2020, 12:45:08 PM by SULTAN »
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