this is war — private

[vix]

<3 claire loves u! REY MORENO I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE

sometimes rey said things. he was a byproduct of those around him. being around facetious people made him, well facetious. but that wasn't the most frustrating thing about him, no. possibly the most frustrating thing about him was the he often didn't know when he's made someone upset. eyebrows quirks of confusion, the persistent question of "what's wrong". he could accept a day or two of claudia being upset, but this? a few quickies, or request for homework and he hasn't heard from her since. both were a constant, but rey was beginning to feel as if they were growing beyond that. at first, he thinks he's overreacting. every fleeting moment with her is euphoric enough to subside his worries he previously had, make him think that they're okay. but after that, she's off again— and when he tries to approach her? she does that thing where she scrunches her nose, rolls her eyes— something he initially found cute he now worries is a sign she's becoming uninterested. despite their circumstances, he could find another hook-up rather easily. he doesn't want to, though. finding a hook-up wouldn't bring him what came with claudia. there was something implemented there— something that would have to either be rebuilt, or wouldn't necessarily be there with anyone else. he shouldn't care, he knows. but if he this thing were to end? he didn't want it to be on her terms. it'd be mortifying. therefore, he knew he had to act like he didn't give a fuck. tell her what she'd want to hear. the bell rang. immediately, rey shoots up, gathering all his shit in hand right as claudia heads towards the door. "hey!" he falls into step beside her. "um, did you enjoy class?" he almost could have let her go; let her embellish in her silence. but he couldn't. not when this shit was bothering him so much. "so are you going to tell me what i did wrong?"

[paddy]

<3 claire loves u! CLAUDIA MONTEIRO SO I FALL INTO CONTINENTS AND CARS, ALL THE STAGES AND THE STARS ･✧

tw: eating disorder Claudia’s sick of constantly being reminded of her stupid fucking eating disorder. She already is hyperaware of it every time she eats and feels the need to immediately run to the bathroom. She hates it so much, she hates how she can’t just eat like a normal person and she hates how it’s probably fucking with her body. It’s only a couple years before she thinks she won’t be allowed to continue running track, and that’s honestly where she feels it’s taking too much from her. Her whole life seems to revolve around it somehow, in some way. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when Rey said that. She doesn’t even remember his exacts words, honestly. All she remembers is that he was lying there beside her on the bed, them having met up for their weekly little time and date. She had said something about needing to go for a run, how she hasn’t gone in a while. He had joked about how she didn’t need to, he could already practically feel her ribs through her skin anyway. The word skinny might’ve been used. She doesn’t remember he details, but she remembers her heart dropping to her stomach, nodding along to whatever he said afterwards and ignoring him completely for the next week and a half after she left his dorm. No matter how much she tells herself Rey’s a quick one night stand, he’s become more like a ten night stand, and it’s kind of impossible to not feel something for him after that. She had thought that maybe, with him, she could forget about her other self, the one who can’t keep a meal down. But maybe not. She’s not taken off guard when he stops her after class, but she’s a little disheartened that he did it right here, right now. She’s not ready. Hearing his voice just makes her think of the incident, and she has to furiously blink back tears, hoping he doesn’t notice, before she feels her blood begin to boil. Who does he think he is? ”Fuck you, Moreno.” She never uses his last name, and it feels foreign on her tongue, but she wants to make it clear how upset she is. “You can’t just- you can’t just say shit and not even remember what you said, okay? Like, maybe pay attention sometimes. I literally have told you more than I’ve told almost anyone, and you- you threw it back at me like I was just some dumb bitch you managed to bag,” she struggles to contain herself, and the anger is seeping from her lips, even if she’s managed to control the volume of her voice so no one hears and gets further annoyed with them. She knows it’s not fair to expect Rey to know about her bulimia—not even Seora knows—but he’s slept with her how many times now? She had thought even he had picked up on it by now. ”I seriously don’t understand how you can sleep with me so many times and still manage to fucking throw my weight in my face. Are you a fucking idiot, or what? Don’t pretend like you’ve done nothing wrong now, dipshit,” she fumes, and she can feel her eyes water but turns to the side and leans against the wall so he doesn’t see.

[vix]

<3 claire loves u! REY MORENO I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE

you'd think rey would have noticed. their regular hook-ups should have warranted him so. at this point, if thinks he could outline every inch of her body blindfolded. that's how well he knows it. but there's also a reason for that as well. almost every rondevuez ever taken place with in the dark. sure, he's noticed that she's seemingly underweight but he doesn't assume the worst. just that she ran a lot. this could also be an resolute to his own feelings. feelings ? despite his mama encouraging him to cry , he'd never been able to pinpoint where his own mental detoriation took place. all he could say was sometimes , he was a little sadder than usual. and sometimes? he was a little more numb than usual. but nothing like this was ever discussed in compton, at least not in his friend group. that's probably why he was oblivious; why, even as she blew up on him, he was just as confused as before. looks are cast their direction, including from the nuns. he flashed them a bashful smile, reassuring them it was a personal manner at hand. some seemed hesitant, yet bustled forth. he could only imagine how this must look— and christ she wasn't making it better. "jesus christ, claudia. what the hell are you talking about, you know it's not like that." he thinks hard. what had been the last thing he'd said before she went eerily silence? and then, it hit him: "it's not about that me calling you skinny, is it? because that was a joke. you know i wouldn't hurt you." to further implement his words, he gently grabs both her wrists. even as he says the words, he knows he's full of shit. sure, he meant no harm by those words but morality tells him in their time apart he'd down something worse. what she won't know, won't hurt her. and as long as they're good, he's fine.

[paddy]

<3 claire loves u! CLAUDIA MONTEIRO SO I FALL INTO CONTINENTS AND CARS, ALL THE STAGES AND THE STARS ･✧

He flashes a smile at a nun who passes by and stares at them, and Claudia can feel the anger rise up again before she forces herself to suppress it. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t know about the reason she’s so skinny; she knows that it’s not his fault, who would figure that out on their own? Maybe it’s the confusion in his eyes still as he looks back at her that bothers her, how it still doesn’t click for a few moments what she’s saying. She hates how she takes it all to heart so fast—she shouldn’t and she knows it. She can’t blame him for taking steps back, for not knowing every little thing about her. Despite her ending up in his dorm room many nights a month, she knows they aren’t exactly... together. Maybe it’s the moments after whatever they do, when she laughs at him after she’s put her clothes back on and let him turn on the lights because he’s made some stupid joke or when she’s sat there afterwards and edited an essay of his or tried to teach him how to say swear words in Portuguese, asking him about his Brazilian mother. She’s never slept with a guy more than once before him, and she doesn’t really know what it is about him, but something about actually talking afterwards and laughing at what he says makes her stomach feel queasy. Maybe it’s just more intimate than she’s ever been used to, but she trusts him, and hearing painful words from his mouth feels like a little more than she can take. You know I wouldn’t hurt you. The words start to ring in her ears, and she can see a couple students looking in their direction, but she’s stopped caring about that since the tenth time she heard “slut” whispered at her in the hallways in freshman year. Does she really know he wouldn’t hurt her? Maybe it’s just her issues with trust coming into play, but she’s a little skeptical. Her brain tells her that it’s Rey, his mean words don’t mean shit because he’s just a teenage boy with no filter, one who probably cares at least a tiny bit about her. But her heart wants to tell her to run, to never trust him again because his words hurt. She has to force her brain to tell her heart to shut the fuck up. When he grabs her wrists, she wrinkles her nose slightly, feeling her hands instinctively go up to reciprocate the action. They stay there for a moment before she remembers she’s mad at him and lets her hands fall limply in his grasp, despite how much her stupid yearning self likes the simple touch. “Okay, but you did.” Her words are harsher than she means them to be, and she grimaces at her own stubbornness. Her face softens a little as she glances up. “It’s just a really mean joke, alright, Rey? Especially considering, like—“ she cuts herself off before she can admit her fault to him, her jaw clenching. She can’t let her hookup buddy be the first person she ever admits this to, despite how she’s been starting to feel or not feel about him. “Whatever. It doesn’t even matter, it’s not a big deal. Can I, like, leave now? I’ll send you the English answers if you really needed them this bad,” she mutters, her voice quieter than it had started out as she tries to divert the topic already.

[vix]

<3 claire loves u! REY MORENO I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE

they were a little dumb, weren't they? making this far more intimate than it should have been— his times spent just talking with claudia could easily surpass the times they spent undressed. they weren't a thing, but even without the label their actions incorporated something totally different. it makes sense to him, though. claudia showed up at a vulnerable time in his life— where he'd left behind everything he's ever known, a byproduct from one stupid mistake. more than ever, he needed that intimacy— the one that rearmed far beyond physical touch— he needed a friend. claudia serves as both. he still remembers the first time he'd seen her, the first time he'd walked her to her dorm. now look where they were. he isn't sure where his feelings stand with claudia, but he knows he doesn't not want her around. rey feels some semblance of relief wash over him as she reciprocate the action— this was a good sign. not once, does his eyes tear from hers; if he becomes too flighty, he'd look unbelievable. they were too close to okay for her to decide against trusting him. only it's short lived. her hands suddenly drop and hesitantly, so does his. he listens to her as once again, she reminds him of her hurt. "I'm sorry." he says finally, and maybe those are the words she needed to hear all along. rey was never good with sorries, tended to be far up his own ass to ever admit to a wrongdoing. but here is where he says it. even if he doesn't understand claudia's reasonings, he needs to apologize if he expects to get any closer to her again. and in some sense, he is sorry. but not for the reason that she may think. "I'm not holding you hostage," rey says halfheartedly, raising his hands in surrender, lips twitching into a tiny smile. his hands fall to his sides and he stuffs them in his pockets, sighing in his exasperation. "okay, but just consider stopping by tonight?"

[paddy]

<3 claire loves u! CLAUDIA MONTEIRO SO I FALL INTO CONTINENTS AND CARS, ALL THE STAGES AND THE STARS ･✧

Maybe his apology is what she’s been waiting to hear for the past week and a half. For the past couple years, honestly. She doesn’t even remember the last time someone apologized to her, and now that she’s hearing the words, something wells up behind her eyes that she’s forced to blink hard to remove, reaching up a little unnaturally to wipe it away and passing it off as running a hand through her hair. She’s always had to do the apologizing, and no matter how many times she’s been worried her own sounds fake, she can’t help but want to believe Rey’s words so bad. Something about his need to know what he had done wrong, what he had said to her to make her so upset, settles his truth in her head. There’s no way he’d be lying if he’d gone to such lengths to figure it out. Besides, she likes to tell herself, if he’d been lying she would have probably been able to tell. He drops the subject, and she can’t help but feel torn. She doesn’t really know if she wants him to find out about her... condition. On one hand, maybe it would be nice to get it off her chest, to put it in the open with at least one other person in the world. It feels like she’s been restraining herself, keeping the secret in ever since she was ten—seven years ago now. On the other hand, she’s not looking for attention and she knows it’ll come off that way. Besides, why would she talk to Rey about it, of all people? Claudia’s never been more confused as to where she stands with him. Whatever she has with him, she doesn’t know what it is. They talk a lot. Quips, homework help, the occasional meme that she sends him, says it reminds her of him. It’s not really anything like any of the other boys she’s ever slept with, and maybe that’s what keeps her from deciding to just continue being mad right now. Sure, he’s a little hard to understand sometimes and he says things without thinking, but she’s really the same. Maybe it’s why they’re drawn to each other; she doesn’t know. All she knows is that his next invitation sounds tempting, but the same thing that makes her want to go is telling her to flake on it. If she’s already acting like... this with him, she really doesn’t want to see how she’ll act if they continue whatever they’re doing. She had promised herself nothing serious, no feelings, and she doesn’t really know if that’s what they are yet, but she doesn’t want to see them get there. Despite her mind working a mile a minute, the words spill out before Claudia can control them, her voice kinder than it had been at the start of their conversation. A voice reserved for friends. And him now, she supposes. “It’s okay, I forgive you. Just, like, don’t mention it again, please? It’s sensitive,” she says, knowing he probably won’t really ask what that means and letting herself indulge in her little “only I understand” quip. She betrays herself a little in laughing lightly as he jokes, rolling her eyes. “What, already?” she asks, and she should probably leave it at that, but her mouth just keeps moving. “I’m kidding. I’ll think about it, just make sure none of your roomies are there, I can’t stand the one guy teasing about the lights. Also, you better have your brain ready, ‘cause my stupid ass has already fallen behind in math without you,” she jokes, flashing him a grin and reaching forward to squeeze his arm lightly, as if that’ll make her drama from the past couple days all better.

[vix]

<3 claire loves u! REY MORENO I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE

Forgiven. And there it was. Her voice is less reflected of what he was used to; the Claudia Monteiro that not many people got the see. On surface-level, she was on guard. Some may say— and he can say it because it's not coming from him— bitchy. The Claudia he knew, while stubborn, smiled. She had this light submerged in her brown-eyes that kind of captivated him, honestly. More than any drug he's ever tried. Then there was the voice. Soft-toned, even. A little coy. Reserved for exceptions. Maybe it was selfish; he did like to feel special. Maybe because he hadn't ever felt special in his life. Claudia didn't know this, but it'd never been half-way with Rey. He had his heart broken on several occasions with flings who didn't want him for more than what was compromised. Or maybe it was more. But he likes being an exception; and although he wasn't the only one, they didn't harbor the same history he and Claudia had. Within a short timespan, they've had a complicated history. One that treads the waters between that rigid, "maybe" or "maybe not", whatever maybe may have been. He doesn't think he could share a class or even friends with her with that shift. "I swear," Retrieving his hand from his pocket, Rey raises his pinky finger with a coy smile; expectantly waiting for her to take it. And he does. Don't talk about a woman's weight— hadn't he learned that in sixth grade, anyway? Though, who was surprised by Rey doing the opposite of what he was told? All his mishaps is what lead him to this shit hole in the first place, and it's looking like a catholic boarding school won't sway his vices anytime soon. His "affair" with Jens proved that. "You not being mad at me— I forgot what it's like. I miss it." He retorts, trying not to seem too embarrassed by her call-out. Luckily, she's thinking on it, though. Just make sure his roomies aren't there. Declan was a no-brainer, but their other may be a bit of a hassle. He'll figure it out, though. He knows this is just one of the many answers that draw back to, 'yes'. "And I am struggling on an English assignment." He smirks, soaking in the affectionate squeeze. There's only so much touching they could do under the supervision of nuns— they'd be able to make their lack of it later. "até logo, monteiro." He raises his eyebrows proudly, showcasing the Portuguese his brain managed to retain while with Claudia. He doesn't leave, not quite though, and would have stayed longer if a nun doesn't pass them, ushering them on. "¡Bueno! ¡Bueno!" He exclaims, shooting Claudia an amused smile as he passes her, his brushing against her being no mistake. With their differences settled, he felt like he could relax at last.

[paddy]

<3 claire loves u! CLAUDIA MONTEIRO SO I FALL INTO CONTINENTS AND CARS, ALL THE STAGES AND THE STARS ･✧

He raises his pinky for her to take, and she hates herself for how quickly she moves to take it, locking her own with it. The small gesture is suddenly starting to seem very large for her; after not speaking to him for so long, him being the only person she spills her half-secrets to sometimes with her three o’clock brain, she feels like a weight’s been lifted off her shoulders. She doesn’t like to admit it to herself, and she sounds selfish in her own head for even thinking it, but she needs those quiet nights alone with him, talking about their lives; it helps her clear the air in her own brain, make amends with herself as she finds someone to tell all her problems to who actually seems to care enough to listen. On top of that, something about him responding with stories of his own makes her feel lighter. Like she’s not alone in this stupid place, with so many people she doesn’t get along with. She simply laughs at his response. “Yeah, well, don’t get used to it. I’m sure you’ll say something dumb again soon enough and I’ll have to ignore you to humble you,” she jokes, but even as she says it, she feels like a little bit of a liar. There’s really nothing that will ever bother her as much as the weight comment had, and Rey’s already promised he’s not going to drop that one on her again. Against her better judgement and all her past experiences with men, she seems to believe him. It’s a tricky thing, their relationship. They should have known better than to get this involved; than to go back to each other more than three times, to lie awake afterwards and laugh their demons away, to get upset when the other isn’t speaking to them. She doesn’t know when it got there, but she hates it. She values her relationship with Rey, she really does; he’s been there for her when she’s needed him, and that’s the important thing. She doesn’t know if she can really call him a friend, but whatever he is to her, she cares about him more than she cares to admit. And maybe that’s what scares her about it; that she’s allowed herself to get more intimate with him. Really, she should’ve stopped going to see him after the first couple times. Should’ve listened to Seora when she had said not to go back to him. And yet, here she is. Her eyes only widen when the Portuguese she’s been teaching him spills out of his mouth, a laugh managing to escape her lips. ”Bem feito, Moreno,” she laughs, and she can already feel her day losing a little colour as a nun starts to usher them on. It’s probably a good thing; if the nun hadn’t come along, she definitely would’ve asked him to skip the next period with her to catch up, maybe tell her how his week’s been while she listens and pretends to make fun of his problems. Before she knows it, he’s already flashing her a smile and bidding goodbye, his arm brushing against hers. The touch makes her want to skip forward her day; with everyone she seems to know upset at her right now, it feels good to have one more person she cares about back where she can speak to them without arguing. Before she can even turn around, he’s already passed her, but she feels lighter knowing that Rey’s her whatever they are again.